I have always known my birth relatives. When my birth grandparents were alive, they still acknowledged my existence.

Where does this leave the adoptee? If you don't know your birth family, you have fantasies to cling to. Knowing our birth families makes us very aware of reality. I felt like a bad graft, cut from one tree and rejected by the new tree.

The feeling of "aloneness" seems to intensify as those who accepted the adoptee are lost-- whether through death, distance or time. It was after your birth grandparents passed away that the birth family no longer acknowledged you as part of the family. When my grandfather passed away, my uncle reminded me that I had no claim to an inheritance. I was no longer part of the family. I did not want an inheritance, I wanted a heritage.

In reality, I do have a heritage. I "own" the heritage and history of two families. Whether they choose to accept or reject me, I am and always will be part of both families. It is my right to belong.
My birth family gave me a heritage that courses through my blood. I am English, Irish, Scotch, French, and German.

My grandparents, great-grandparents and grandparents through the eternities are a part of me. My hair, facial features, especially my temper were handed down to me, and I pass them on to my children's children forever. No legal document will change that. My birth family can never be erased. "I am" because of them. The more I learn of my ancestors, the closer the bond grows, the more I have to pass on to my children.

The adopted family is my family legally. Their history and their ancestors are mine legally. I have a right to claim those pioneers that crossed the plain. Maybe the greater responsibility lies with me-- to take hold of that claim, to learn of those who created this family that adopted me. Maybe if I learned more about the history of this family, I would understand my aunts, uncles, cousins, and even my adopted parents better. Understanding opens the door to love.

Life will even out. There comes a point in people's lives when they become the "head" of the family, simply because their parents and grandparents have passed away.

They must become the one that family turn to. The children and grandchildren come to their home for the holidays. Memories are made with them as the key figure. With us, it came earlier than most. My children had no grandparents (on my side). This has always saddened me.

As I have worked with parents of adopted children and watched them struggle trying to prove to the child that they do love him, I have wondered if my inability to trust has pushed my adopted family away from me?

Maybe my fear of being hurt by rejection has caused the rejection? As I accept the pain of my past, connect the pain to the person or event, I am able to move on. I am able to see that things are different now--I am different now. I am older and wiser. I can trust myself and others. The more I learn to trust, the more I can accept love. It is amazing to me how many times I thought "they don't like me" when in reality I had refused to allow them to like me. I feared rejection so much that I rejected them first.

That is a question that I had to deal with all of my growing up years. Now that I am married and have my own family I usually don't worry about it anymore. But there are special occasions that it would be nice to be able to share with extended family.

I researched several books on adoption. I found nothing. This only emphasized the emptiness I have felt inside. Most professionals discuss the need of the adoptee to find their roots, to discover their indentity--but not one that I read even acknowledged the pain that comes from being rejected by two families. Rejected may be too strong of a word. "Not accepted completely" by either family may better describe most situations. The birth family "let's go" of the adopted child, while the adopted (usually extended--but in some cases, the immediate) family never quite accepts the adoptee as "really" a part of the family.

I am a new beginning--a catalyst for a new family. I take the best and the worst from two separate families and bring it together as I create my own family.

My grandchildren will know me. They will belong. And I will belong to them. My grandchildren will have memories.

and the family of my adoptive parents don't believe that I belong to them because after all, I am just adopted.

I am afraid I may not have answered your question. I hope I haven't rambled too much about my own feelings. Your pain was too close to my own to have a clear perspective.

I am fortunate because I know my sister. We are growing closer each day. We are beginning to trust each other enough to open up our hearts. It is happening a little at a time, but we are clinging to each other and learning to trust and love again. So many times I feel as if I am ten years old instead of almost fifty. I am grateful that my sister and I have been able to make it through the years. We have lost so many--brothers, parents, grandparents--but we have each other. The pain is still so deep. Considering our past, we have definitely survived with flying colors.