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Excerpts taken from:

THE WHEN/THEN DEAL

by Cynthia Whitham, MSW

A WHEN/THEN DEAL is an agreement to give a privilege in exchange for a behavior or task. It is a low-conflict way of getting children to cooperate, because they will earn a privilege in return. You don’t have to nag, because it is up to the child to do the task or not. If the child doesn’t want to do it, or takes all afternoon to do it, it’s on his shoulders. The only consequence of his not doing the deal is that he forfeits the privilege.

By privilege I mean an opportunity or an object, which the child likes, that the parent is willing to give. It can be any object or opportunity that seems a fair exchange to you and your child. Its negotiating power depends on its significance for the child.

Possible exchanges might be:

• WHEN you are dressed, THEN you may watch TV.
• WHEN you’ve put on your socks and shoes, THEN you may play outside.
• WHEN you can talk in a normal voice, THEN I’ll listen.
• WHEN you are ready to share the game with your sister, THEN you may play it again.
• WHEN you are in your car seat, THEN we’ll drive to the park.

Use the when/then deal when your child requests a privilege or when you want to provide an incentive to do a task.

For the when/then deal to remain no-conflict, you must remain calm, ignore diversions and dawdling, and praise any attempt at all to do the tsk. You must also be sure to have the privilege (treat, money, etc.) Or the opportunity (picnic, going to library, visit to video arcade, etc.) readily available. The Privilege is not always a regard; it may simply be the activity the child wants to do next.

The child may say no, may do the task at his own (snail’s) pace, or even not do his part of the deal, so when you begin to use this tool, try it out on tasks that you don’t care so much about. That way you will be calm (it won’t matter really) and your child will sense he does indeed have the freedom to turn down the deal.

The only consequence of not doing the task is that he forfeits the privilege. Be sure to give praise for doing his part of the deal.

WIN THE WHINING WAR
& OTHER SKIRMISHES

By Cynthia Whitham, MSW
Pages 97-99